Saturday, March 19, 2016

They Lost The Best Of Us

"I never conquered, rarely came
  Sixteen just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside"

I think I took it for granted even though in my head I always said, "Never take it for granted, Dumbass!" as I referred to myself, time and again in those early years of deadhead nowhereness, high school presence, because I kind of knew always just how I would turn out, that loser kid with the self-satisfied grin, thinking I was better than all the rest of 'em, because of that grin, that silly charming grin, because of that stupid, solitary kind of ridiculous confidence, almost like arrogance, walking around taller and skinnier and smarter, cheshire manipulative sneaky little smile, the kind that riles, guys and girls alike, strike that charming balance, dalliance, me thinking I'm kind of almost valiant, maybe even brave, saving the black eye pride for a very good little lie, try to conjure up a good story to sweep them all off their feet, and sweet somehow some of them actually believe me!  

And then I face that fifteen seconds of glory, for my stupid little dumpweed story, unsavory in its absolute truth, the ruthless, uncouth acts of those who ride up next to me, sidle in close to me, but unlike me, they strike me, and yet no one else can see, I'm not who they expect me to be, I'm not the one who is guilty, forgive me, please, no one else believes me.  Berate me for being the inexperienced, naive, nowhere kid with the lazy grin, sin of trying to make it being born and bred in the mid 1980s, apologies, we were the babies that were supposed to die before our thirties, from drug addictions, or infectious disease, or the mistakes of entitlements from all the parents who thought their little kiddies were supposed to be fulfillments of their own kind of lost pride, deride me, lie to me, maybe even try to fuck me, but really, I don't care about anything else besides writing. 

Fight me, but do it physically, because anything else is cowardly, it is subtly telling me that you are no match for me, and intellectually, you fall so short of me, I'm absolutely nothing you can match either way, spay the system just to shake me, make it your greatest mission to possibly unnerve me, serve me with all the notices of your stupid intent, sent from the sharks guarding California waters, but bothered once from you to go on the official record, all your simpering, whimpering, cowardly fools, they inevitably fold, sold out for money, cunning little liars you are too stupid to see.

Your witness doesn't want to testify on the record?  Unimaginable!  So tragic that your bottom-feeder, greedy motherfucker doesn't want to put name down on the record, another lecture that I'm such an immature stupid kid, rid me of the corruption and I might actually grow up, or throw up, suck it up, your witness has about the same weak constitution that you do, cannot be a surprise to you, that they're only interested in helping you when they are actually going to prosper.  Go on, lust after them like the fat thugs that you are, bar, if I knew what you were from the start, I never would have studied so hard.

When I was in high school, I was not cool, not yet because even then I was the nowhere kid with the silly grin and the don't care attitude, alluding to all of what was, is, continues to be wrong with the educational system, and I was still masquerading as the somewhere kid, the kid that would live the ordinary life of mediocre college grades, cradle to the grave, saved somehow by entitlements of being white and by that I was supposed to be so happy.  The problem was that even then I was very aware of my cherished youth and how everyone else wanted to rob me, jealous of me, the sentiment of envy, wanted to look through my eyes and be me, seventeen, and even then, not a purpose or direction, not owing anyone a fucking explanation.

I didn't know it at the time but there was a promise too, in being young, like you have all the time in the world, like everything you want to accomplish is still a possibility out there in the great somewhere, being young is like being under a great illusion, like a drug only for you, because it makes you think that time does not actually go by so fast, like instead it will go by slow for just you, special you, but in reality time races by at ungodly speeds and also against all of our stupid, weary half-hearted wishes, our tired don‘t care attitudes, and there will come a time where we must realize that we have to step up and be willing to take on the ambition we don‘t feel, never felt, and do something that either helps us make it or come to grips with the fact that it was never meant for us, but at least it‘s some progress, some forwardness, the sense of some kind of somethingness, better than the nowhereness, the entitlement gone sour, the hour when we were supposed to finally arrive got closed up by global recession in seconds, it wrecked us, but there is no insurance for the experience we lost, and the few of us who made it through those thin threads, well Congratulations! 

"I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days?
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by

No comments:

Post a Comment