Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Lux, an Individual, Plaintiff v. Earth, an Entity, Defendant

I open my civil procedure book to page three twenty-nine and start reading the introductory comments of the chapter. If I were a different person I would just skip ahead a few pages to the cases but I know that sometimes the introduction provides important insights that should not be overlooked. Besides, my professor tends to fixate on them unnaturally. I don’t appreciate coming off like a loser when he inevitably quizzes us later in class.

The chapter begins by attempting to teach us about pleaders. Pleaders tell stories designed to get a court to give them something they want. Once upon a time, those stories were oral and relatively free-form, with the pleader telling the court what had happened and what he wanted the court to do about it. I feel like this ‘once upon a time’ model would be much more desirable than the one we have currently in place. The former lends itself more convincingly to the chaos and vengeance that I’ve always more or less endorsed in my life. But over time I suppose things get complicated even if the aim was initially simplistic. Modern society, whether or not it was the stated intention, has taken its justice system to the utmost extreme. These days complaints are filed years before the corresponding case is heard before a court, if it's ever even heard at all. This ‘dragging claims out’ mentality has become the decided norm and there is really no going back now. I sigh with veiled annoyance at that reality. It’s nice when things are simple.

Next the book attempts to analyze the similarities and differences between the old complaint form and the contemporary one. But I fear my focus has already begun to wander. For some inexplicable reason, I start to picture the old-time pleaders described in this introductory paragraph as little red-headed children with freckles, perhaps even pigtails, crying tearfully to their fathers about the treacherous actions of their siblings or supposed friends. Of course daddy doesn’t really care about what was done to his red-headed child; he will do absolutely nothing to restore any sense of justice. The child must learn to live with whatever covenant breach was inflicted upon her and that is essentially where the story ends.

Unfortunately the court system back then was just about as ineffectual as a father dealing with his red-headed child, perhaps even more so. Not much has changed over the years except for the complications involved in the general process of trying to find some semblance of justice. But it seems as though it hides from everyone. Justice was and continues to be something of a running joke that none of us can quite understand.  But we do pretend.

In my career, I hesitate to use that word because of the dishonesty it portrays but regardless, in my career I have drafted a few of these modern day complaints. Therefore, I feel pretty confident in stating that I know the general protocol involved and can repeat it almost in my sleep.  Of course that particular skill doesn’t really make things better.  In fact, I cannot help but wonder if our justice system is long for life. It is inarguably ineffectual; not one person could possibly assert any level of satisfaction with it.  There seems to always be some room for complaint.

So here it is, my play on the complaint.  It's rather silly but that tends to be my specialty.  This is a complaint that I have entertained now for at least a year, though I believe it's been stewing much longer than that.  I guess you lose track of time when you are in this constant state of disillusion and heavy denial.  But I’ll try to make this as accurate as possible.  After all I am an attorney, a person you might even call 'counselor' one day, though it doesn't seem likely.

*Note: This is not a real Complaint.  I do not condone the use of this Complaint in a legal forum and I discourage anyone from attempting to use it.  Enjoy.

United States District Court

For the Central District of California

Lux, an Individual, Plaintiff,                                Civil Action No: J6901789                                                             

Earth, an Entity, Defendant 


Verified complaint for Violation of Due Process Clause, Material Breach of Implied Contract, Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress, False Imprisonment, Negligence, Damages, and Injunctive Relief. Jury Demand.

1. Plaintiff Lux, hereinafter “LUX”, for her Complaint against Defendant Earth, hereinafter “EARTH” hereby brings claims seeking relief for, among other things, the taking of private property through a violation of the Due Process Clause, the breach of an implied contract that law school would benefit Plaintiff, and Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress vis-à-vis the prior implied contract.

2. Lux alleges on personal knowledge as to all facts known to her, and on information and belief as to all other facts, as follows:

The Parties
3. Plaintiff Lux is an adult individual residing in the County of Los Angeles. She lives and breathes in the State of California.

4. Upon information and belief, Defendant Earth, is a global entity with a presence in many different countries. Its principal place of business is everywhere, including the State of California.

Jurisdiction and Venue
5. This action arises under the Fifth and Fourteenth Amendments of the Constitution and the common law of the State of California.

6. This Court has subject matter jurisdiction pursuant to 17 U.S.C. §1331 (federal question), U.S. Const. Amend 5 (Due Process Clause) and expressly incorporated under U.S. Const. Amend. 14 to the States, and 28 U.S.C. §1367(a)(supplemental jurisdiction). This Court has personal jurisdiction over Defendant Earth because, on information and belief, it conducts a significant amount of business in this District. Earth has also committed wrongful acts which have had direct effects in this District.

7. Venue is proper in this judicial district under 28 U.S.C. § 1391(b)(2) because a substantial part of the events giving rise to the claims asserted herein occurred in this District.

Factual Background
8. This dispute arises out of Earth’s wrongful acts during the years between 2007 and extending through 2011 and the present. Surely Earth’s wrongful acts against Lux extend further back than the year 2007 but all those wrongful acts will not now be the subject of this Complaint.

9. Plaintiff Lux exists on Earth as a human being. Defendant Earth, in its capacity as a planet that hosts life, including human being life, has a duty to look out for and protect life of all kinds. Because Earth led Lux to a metaphorical slaughter, Lux has suffered damages of a very profound nature. She seeks major redress of those wrongs.

10. On or around August 2007, Lux began her legal education as a law student at an accredited ABA law school in the State of California, the reputation of which was and continues to be solid. As a condition precedent of attending law school, she agreed to an implied contract that a legal education was a worthy pursuit. At this point in history, Plaintiff had no reason to believe it would be anything but worthy. Defendant Earth knew more about the future prospects that Lux would be able to entertain at the time of formation of the contract. Keeping this knowledge to itself, Earth allowed Lux to enter into this ill-fated contract, an action of which she would predictably live to regret. Lux was undoubtedly pressured into agreeing to the terms of this contract even though she did not realize the extent of what could happen in the future. Defendant Earth made many untrue statements in order to convince Lux to agree to the terms of this one-sided contract, including assurances that Lux was not wasting her time and money by undertaking three years of legal studies in a declining economy. Lux reasonably relied on those statements made by Earth when she agreed to enter into the contract.

11. Prior to August 2007, Lux had a content, debt-free life. The benefit of not being harassed on a daily basis by creditors and other such sharks was a routine that Plaintiff liked and was very well accustomed to. She had grown used to the benefit of that lifestyle and considered it not a bad way of living. Plaintiff Lux reasonably expected the continued receipt of this benefit of living comfortably and contently the way she always had. Although Lux never had any previous delusions of grandeur, her life was by no means terrible. Of course that has all come to change now at the time of this Complaint.

12. Defendant Earth has taken away Plaintiff’s property rights vis-à-vis her debt-free existence prior to 2007. Lux is entitled to that freedom and way of life that she had grown accustomed to and this entitlement is now only a pipe dream, less in fact. Lux received no notice or hearing before this right was savagely taken away from Plaintiff four years ago. It has yet to be restored and Lux is naturally discontent over the matter.

13. Upon information and belief, the behavior of Earth was and continues to be intentional; at the very least Earth has acted with reckless indifference. Earth’s behavior in this regard would surely shock the conscience of any court this matter comes before.

14. This interest is extremely important to Lux. She finds her current life exceedingly more and more difficult to live by the day. If this situation is not rectified soon, Lux may become too disillusioned to recover and live a normal life.

15. Defendant Earth has tricked Lux into a state of mind fraught with danger and paranoia. Lux constantly fears the passing of time, to the point where she can entertain no other more pleasant thoughts. Earth has engaged in outrageous conduct that has led Lux to suffer severe distress as a result. Lux is unable to think clearly without the aid of narcotics. Earth’s actions have exceeded all bounds of decency that are typically tolerated in a civilized society.

16. Defendant Earth has trapped and restrained Plaintiff Lux, several acts of which have led to her continued confinement in Earth’s bounded area. Lux is well aware of her confinement within Earth’s bounded area and her inability to free herself from its constraints. There is no reasonable means of escape that the Plaintiff has been made aware of or has been able to reasonably discover. Any means of escape that Plaintiff has been able to think of are both dangerous and disgusting. Lux at no time consented to being trapped within Earth’s bounded area. Quite the contrary, it was done against her will and she now demands redress.

17. Earth either knew or should have reasonably known that it was engaging in all acts alleged herein and that those acts would cause harm to Plaintiff.

First Cause of Action – Violation of the Due Process Clause
18. Lux hereby realleges and incorporates by reference the allegations in paragraphs 8 through 17 above, as if fully set forth herein.

19. Upon information and belief, Defendant Earth was previous to 2007 providing Lux the benefit of a debt-free existence. This was an interest unmistakably important to Lux. In fact, she counted on this benefit on a mere daily basis.

20. At no time did Earth make clear that this benefit would soon end. When taking away a benefit such as this one, it is the duty of Earth to notify benefactors of the benefit of its impending end. Earth made no such notification to Lux.

21. It is the duty of Earth to allow for a hearing so that individuals who are soon to be deprived of a benefit that they have grown accustomed to, can present evidence and argue as to why they should be able to keep the benefit. The hearing must also provide individuals with the reasons why their coveted benefit is being taken away. Lux was not granted the opportunity for a hearing whatsoever.

22. It would have been very easy for Earth to set in place procedures that would warn Lux and individuals like Lux that this benefit could run its course.

23. Earth has an undeniable interest in making sure that its citizens are relatively happy. A revolution, which many countries sit on the inevitable forefront of, is not in the best interest of Earth.

24. Because of Earth’s deprival of a benefit that Lux had grown accustomed to, Lux is entitled to damages pursuant to the Due Process Clause.

Second Cause of Action – Breach of an Implied Contract
25. Lux hereby realleges and incorporates by reference the allegations in paragraphs 8 through 17 above, as if fully set forth herein.

26. In exchange for adequate consideration, Lux agreed that she would go through three years of law school at an accredited and ABA-approved university. The consideration in question, the promise of economic well-being after graduation and passage of the bar exam, was never delivered upon by Defendant Earth.

27. The terms of the contract were harsh and oppressive and decidedly one-sided. Lux was under an extreme undue pressure to submit to the terms of the contract. There was both substantive and procedural unconscionability in this implied contract, neither of which Lux realized at the time of formation because at that time Lux had not yet begun her legal education. Needless to say, Lux was not in a position to negotiate the terms of the contract.

28. Certainly there was uneven and unequal bargaining power between Plaintiff Lux and Defendant Earth, especially evident given the nature of the contract in question and the dearth of knowledge at Plaintiff’s disposal at the time of contract. The country had yet to plummet into economic despair in the fall of 2007. But the reality was on the horizon, perfectly within Defendant’s sights. Even though Plaintiff Lux has long come to the realization that life is nothing more than a mere game, she always assumed that hard work ultimately paid off. She has come to find out that that assumption is flawed, more than flawed, it is all out false. It fails as a matter of law. Plaintiff will admit that she came of age at the wrong time in history, a period where the world was descending into unrestricted chaos. However, economic upheaval, revolutions and wars was hardly foreseeable in Plaintiff Lux’s position as a human being in early 2007 when the contract was entered into. Therefore it cannot be said that Lux entered into the contract reasonably informed of the risks.

29. Defendant Earth uttered many untrue statements, the most egregious of which was that Plaintiff Lux would enjoy economic prosperity at the conclusion of her legal studies and after she passed the bar examination. Defendant made this statement to Lux hoping to coerce her into assenting to the contract, knowing all the while of its extreme falsity. Needless to really say, Lux relied on the veracity of this statement when entering into the contract, reliance of which ended up being to Lux’s extreme detriment. While Lux acknowledges that she has the right to rescind the contract based on this heinous misrepresentation made by Earth, Lux instead opts for damages because rescission alone cannot right this wrong.

30. Plaintiff Lux here acknowledges that Defendant Earth will attempt to use the Statute of Frauds as a defense to this implied contract. However she would like to point out at this time that that course of action would be, for lack of a better phrase, a dick move on Defendant’s part.

31. As a direct and proximate result of Earth’s breach of the implied contract, Lux suffered and continues to suffer direct, incidental, and consequential damages. These damages include but are not limited to Plaintiff’s current disillusionment.

32. Earth’s actions have caused and continue to cause irreparable harm to Lux, and Lux is therefore entitled to injunctive relief to stop Earth from continuing to breach the Implied Contract.

Third Cause of Action – Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress
33. Lux hereby realleges and incorporates by reference the allegations in paragraphs 8 through 17 above, as if fully set forth herein.

34. Through Earth’s engagement in outrageous conduct, including but not limited to Earth’s breach of contract, Earth has caused and continues to cause Lux severe distress. In breaching the implied contract and causing Lux to waste her time and money, Earth has acted with utter disregard for Lux’s emotional tranquility.

35. As a direct and proximate result of Earth’s actions, Lux has suffered damages and losses in an amount exceeding $500,000.

36. Defendant’s actions were and continue to be willful and malicious in that Defendant intentionally breached the implied contract and caused Lux to experience severe distress as a result of Earth’s outrageous behavior. Plaintiff is therefore entitled to punitive damages in accordance with California Civil Code §3294.

Fourth Cause of Action – False Imprisonment
37. Lux hereby realleges and incorporates by reference the allegations in paragraphs 8 through 17 above, as if fully set forth herein.

38. Earth is a planet with an atmosphere. Earth has kept Lux restrained and confined within its bounded area now for more than twenty-four years. Lux has searched and searched for an escape but has been tragically unsuccessful in the pursuit.

39. Lux is well aware of her confinement on Earth and is injured by it on a daily basis. Her injury exists in the form of growing older and seeing those around her die. She has also been injured by Earth due to its gravitational pull on numerous occasions.

40. Death by means of suicide is the only means of escape from Earth’s bounded area and that method is dangerous, disgusting and unreasonable, especially in the mind of an atheist. Plaintiff Lux is an atheist. Accordingly, there is no reasonable means of escape that Lux can discover.

41. Defendant’s actions were and continue to be willful and malicious in that Defendant is intentionally and callously holding Lux confined within its bounds. As a result of this outrageous behavior, Plaintiff is entitled to damages in the amount of $500,000.

Fifth Cause of Action – Negligence
42. Lux hereby realleges and incorporates by reference the allegations in paragraphs 8 through 17 above, as if fully set forth herein.

43. Earth has a duty to protect and serve all life contained within it. Because Plaintiff Lux is a life contained within Earth, by the transitive property, Earth has a duty to protect and serve Lux.

44. Earth breached its duty of care when it harmed Lux by depriving her of her Due Process Rights, by breaching the implied contract, by intentionally inflicting emotional distress upon Lux, and by falsely imprisoning Lux against her will within its Earthly confines.

45. But for Earth’s ghastly breach of its duty to protect Lux, Plaintiff Lux would be healthy, uninjured and living in economic prosperity right now.

46. It was or should have been foreseeable to Defendant Earth that Plaintiff Lux would be injured as a result of its breach of the implied agreement. Therefore Earth is responsible for the injury.

47. Plaintiff Lux in no way contributed to the breach, mostly because Lux was unaware of the future and what could happen, both factors that Earth knows and is responsible for predicting.

48. Defendant Earth was negligent in its interactions with Plaintiff Lux and as a result Lux was harmed. Lux is therefore entitled to damages in the amount of $500,000.

Jury Demand
49. Lux requests a jury trial on all triable issues of fact.

Prayer for Relief

Wherefore, Plaintiff prays for judgment as follows:

1. That judgment be entered in favor of Lux and against Defendant Earth;

2. That Defendant, and all persons in active participation therewith, be preliminarily and permanently enjoined from inflicting continued harm to Lux.

3. That Defendants be ordered to pay Lux the amount of $5 million.

4. That Lux recover compensatory damages for Defendant’s wrongdoing in an amount to be established at trial, together with pre-judgment and post-judgment interest thereon;

5. That Lux recover an award of exemplary damage, disgorgement, restitution, pre-judgment and post-judgment interest as permitted by statute and/or contract; and

6. Any such other relief as the Court may deem just and proper.

Respectfully submitted,


Dated: October 25, 2011


  1. Plaintiff Lux is going to lose.

  2. Catharsis!

    Nice work, but I'm afraid your defendant is inherently judgment proof.

  3. Yes, exactly. I know the defendant is above reproach.