Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Little Scary-Ass Dinosaur Creatures

The young and eager officer pulls the car up to the curb outside the police station with a quick maneuver. Detective Donovan announces that this is a fine spot and opens her door to exit. The officer cuts the engine and leaves the vehicle hurriedly, probably to aid Detective Donovan in my transfer. But I’m not going to my demise willingly. She instructs me to get out of the car as she makes her exit and holds open the door. I don’t respond in any way, causing her to make an impatient hand motion at me and repeat her request that I exit the vehicle. I decline to move. Get out of the car, she commands, tapping her foot and sighing impatiently. That’s not going to work. I shake my head vehemently back and forth. If I remain in the car, I can’t be locked up in a dark, windowless room with nothing more than my fading high to keep me company. At least in this car I can still see a vestige of freedom.

I’m not leaving, I tell her defiantly, adding that she’ll have to kill me first. I watch her face for indications of whether she will accept the challenge or back off. But she doesn’t respond at all. Instead she crosses her arms slowly and then turns to the young and eager officer standing nearby. Go fetch those lizards for me, she instructs him with impassioned vexation. He nods and walks off. I see what she’s doing here; I’m not blind. She wants me to believe that she just so happens to have a bunch of lizards at her disposal inside. I scoff and shake my head, mildly amused by her silly idea of blackmail. While unfortunately it is no secret that I am deathly afraid of lizards, not all lizards just the ones in California, I do not believe that she actually has some in her possession that she can just have fetched on a moment’s notice. That’s ridiculous.

It’s the middle of the night, I point out shrewdly, stifling an arrogant laugh at her expense. You won’t be able to catch any lizards right now, I relay confidently. In response, Detective Donovan smiles and leans down into the car, placing her hands on the seat and looking at me with startling composure and almost bloodcurdling seriousness. She has an all-knowing smirk on her face that is starting to make a great uneasiness grow inside me. My skin is beginning to feel hot and my pulse is quickening. I had them collected earlier this afternoon in anticipation of picking you up, she notifies me in a calm and collected voice. I knew you would give me trouble, she adds by way of explanation, noting that now I have some motivation to cooperate with her.

I smile uncomfortably, desperately hoping that she’s joking with me about all this. But she nods and indicates that she is totally serious. You’re bluffing, I stammer out, trying to sound assured. But the words come out shaky and panicky and not at all as imposing as I had hoped. She nods again, lifting her eyebrows and shrugging briefly. We’ll see, she states, looking away from me coolly and with nonchalance. We will just have to see, she repeats giving me another shrug, oddly calm now considering her anger spell of earlier. Could she actually have lizards somewhere in the police station, waiting patiently to be let loose and freak me out? No, that’s preposterous! Isn’t it?

I crack my knuckles nervously and peer around Detective Donovan to see if the officer is returning with anything. My gut tells me that she is bluffing, that she doesn’t have the type of foresight needed to concoct and carry out a plan this diabolical. But as I catch sight of the officer walking back this way carrying a sizeable box covered with a towel, I immediately decide that I am too scared to find out one way or another. Alright, alright, alright, I yell, raising my hands in the air and scooting toward the door that Detective Donovan still has open for me. You win okay, you win, I exclaim in full, unadulterated surrender. Just call off the lizards, I scream in a full blown panic.

She smiles victoriously and then nods, holding up her hand and wordlessly directing the officer to halt where he stands with the mysterious box. He complies instantly, not moving any further forward and not moving any further backwards. I shut my eyes and rub my forehead, breathing a huge sigh of relief and cursing myself for having a publicly-known fear. It’s an inconvenience like no other, especially when there are people in your life willing to exploit it at any cost.

Okay get out of the car, Detective Donovan directs, grabbing hold of my arm. I swallow once and open my eyes. My heart is still beating really fast and I am visibly shaking from the possibility that there could be lizards inside that box. The relative proximity of any possible lizards in that box is really making me fear my every move. It’s also making me fear what she might do with the lizards, if there are in fact some contained in that box. Taking all things into account, I decide to abide by her instructions to exit the vehicle knowing failure to do so might bring unwanted lizards into my life. So I move further toward the door and the exit with an air of submission. I don’t want her thinking that she needs to get lizards involved in this. The whole fight was supposed to be between me and her, not me, her and little scary-ass dinosaur creatures. Now the playing field is all kinds of uneven and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. Complaining rarely does any good.

As I make it to the seat next to the door, Detective Donovan reaches up and pulls me out of the car by the hood of my jacket. She doesn’t even give me a chance to exit on my own accord. I stumble as my feet hit the ground awkwardly and I casually wonder if my ankles will be in pain tomorrow as a result. She scolds me for fooling around but I’m doing no such thing. Because my lower extremities have been basking in a large hiatus of inactivity for quite some time now, they are clearly ill-prepared to function without proper warning.

Detective Donovan grudgingly helps me to my feet before she starts leading me toward the front doors of the police station. I eye the box filled with potential lizards as we pass by the young and eager officer, making sure that he doesn’t exhibit any sudden movements and bring the box closer to me. While it’s dishonorable to even acknowledge, just the mention of lizards can throw my rational mind out the window and I am helpless to combat any of the related physiological symptoms that arise as a general byproduct of that potential lizard proximity. I think it pretty much goes without saying that Detective Donovan is a dirty fighter, drudging up childish information and using it to sinisterly manipulate me. It’s clearly a breach of ethics and she should be reprimanded by her direct superiors and the Constitution.

***Note: This is an excerpt from an unpublished story.  Some names have been changed.  If you want to read the rest, find me a f**king literary agent because I am way too lazy to do it myself.  Thanks for reading. Semi-Colon Parentheses.


  1. laziness is a sign of being a loser.

  2. lizards are like squirrels in tijuana. dont go there.